Why Does Psychotherapy Automatically Make Me a Better Parent?
by Iason Venetosanopoulos, Psychotherapist
Why Does My Individual Psychotherapy Automatically Make Me a Better Parent?
The answer is simple and therefore very difficult. I become a better parent to my child after I first become a better parent to myself.
All parents search for ways to be the best they can be. Some of us read books, some consult those around us, and some follow our instincts.
I observe mothers, fathers, and myself. I come to the obvious conclusion that none of us can be anything more than what we are to ourselves.
What does this mean?
It means that if within me there is a freezing, a hardness, an unspoken anger, an authoritarian self, no matter how many books I read, techniques I learn, or advice I receive, what will dominate is not the knowledge, techniques, or advice. Rather, it will be these underlying qualities I carry within me, which I may not even have realized. I might not have realized them simply because I grew up with them, and therefore, they are what I understand as the most familiar.
For example, if anger is a forbidden emotion for me that I cannot express, this is what I will teach my child, without even needing to say it, without even needing to be aware of it.
So…
The safest way to correctly assume how I am raising my children is to observe myself and my inner voice. How do I talk to myself? When do I get angry with myself? When do I scold myself? When do I take care of myself? When do I give myself recognition? When do I push myself to persist? What is it like to live with myself? The answers to these questions also provide the answer to how I teach my child to face themselves and their environment.
A parent without this self-observation, no matter how many books and pieces of advice they receive, will be more or less the same parent as before, just with updated vocabulary and techniques.
The experience of self-observation gained through psychotherapy is like the foundation of a building. If the foundation is solid, you can add whatever you want on top, down to the last detail. Without the foundation, however, whatever you do on top will never be stable.
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